If you know me very well at all I am sure you are aware of, and understandably annoyed at my ability to take any and every situation I am in a bring to mind a memory of my short stay in India--which occured, I hate to admit, five years ago last month. Where did the time go? I have wanted to return since the day I came home, but the choices I have made, both good and bad have barred me for doing so. I bring it up now because when I read the acronym BEDA, I was immediately taken back there, as I so often am, being reminded of the term "beda" which I learned to use while shopping in Bangalore. It means "don't want" in Kannada. Kannada is one of India's official languages, and is the official language of the state of Karnataka, where we spent the majority of our time...or at least where we had a base of sorts which we frequently returned to. When I return to India, I will also return to Karnataka without a doubt, because it is India to me.
So, with this first BEDA entry, I considered writing about things nanage beda ( I do not want).
For instance, I do not want to have life without meaning. I do not want to have relationships with God or man that lack substance. I do not want to lose the joy in my marriage.
But then I thought again--can you follow me throught the tangles of my crazy, overly analytical brain?--I don't believe in letting what I'm running from become the thing I'm running toward. If I put it in front of me it becomes my focus and I cannot see the goal at all. So instead, I'm going to write about things nanage becu (I want).
I want to live a life with meaning.
I want relationship with both God and man that is substantive, fruitful, fulfilling, dangerous, overwhelming, challenging, painful, filled with love, understanding, grace and mercy.
I want to love you.
I want to love me.
I want to have a marriage with no looming expiration date.
I want to have a life with no looming expiration date.
I want the promises my Appa gave me.
I want integrity with the ability to grow and learn and change.
I want maturity with the ability to be as foolish and ridiculous as a child.
I want the independent thought that leads to a codependent existence.
And I need grace.
"I need more grace than I thought"