But seriously...

I really did make a mess. My house is alarming close to becoming a candidate for a "Hoarders" intervention.

Except that I'm not hoarding anything, I just haven't unpacked over half of the boxes from the move...back in June. I don't have a problem with compulsive spending either. If anything I have an issue with pre-purchase buyer's remorse which keeps me from buying things that I want even if I have the money...but that's a different issue for a different time.

Anyway, I'm just trying to give myself a good outlook...a positive personal prognosis. I can make this place liveable--I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

How does one develop the skill of organization?

Also, when do we learn the basic concepts of "follow-through?"

I want to create a home that is as tidy and beautiful as my grandma's, without developing resentment for or from my husband.

For a while I was just consoling myself in the fact that I'm an artist, I don't organize. But in retrospect that didn't really solve the problem, it probably just compounded it. There has to be a way for an eccentric, irresponsible, employed(sometimes) woman of today such as myself to keep a clean freakin' home!

Anybody have a good tip or two on how to be a great housewife with a job and a social life?

BEDA

So, Laura, my sister, informed me that we have just begun "BEDA", or Blog Every Day in August...I haven't blogged in ages, and this challenge was exciting to me. So here we are on August 1, and I am going to write in my blog, gosh darn it.

If you know me very well at all I am sure you are aware of, and understandably annoyed at my ability to take any and every situation I am in a bring to mind a memory of my short stay in India--which occured, I hate to admit, five years ago last month. Where did the time go? I have wanted to return since the day I came home, but the choices I have made, both good and bad have barred me for doing so. I bring it up now because when I read the acronym BEDA, I was immediately taken back there, as I so often am, being reminded of the term "beda" which I learned to use while shopping in Bangalore. It means "don't want" in Kannada. Kannada is one of India's official languages, and is the official language of the state of Karnataka, where we spent the majority of our time...or at least where we had a base of sorts which we frequently returned to. When I return to India, I will also return to Karnataka without a doubt, because it is India to me.

So, with this first BEDA entry, I considered writing about things nanage beda ( I do not want).

For instance, I do not want to have life without meaning. I do not want to have relationships with God or man that lack substance. I do not want to lose the joy in my marriage.

But then I thought again--can you follow me throught the tangles of my crazy, overly analytical brain?--I don't believe in letting what I'm running from become the thing I'm running toward. If I put it in front of me it becomes my focus and I cannot see the goal at all. So instead, I'm going to write about things nanage becu (I want).

I want to live a life with meaning.

I want relationship with both God and man that is substantive, fruitful, fulfilling, dangerous, overwhelming, challenging, painful, filled with love, understanding, grace and mercy.

I want to love you.

I want to love me.

I want to have a marriage with no looming expiration date.

I want to have a life with no looming expiration date.

I want the promises my Appa gave me.

I want integrity with the ability to grow and learn and change.

I want maturity with the ability to be as foolish and ridiculous as a child.

I want the independent thought that leads to a codependent existence.

And I need grace.

"I need more grace than I thought"

I have been thinking a lot lately about justice. The current political climate has really made me question, not my faith, but my association with Christians. I have always been a little peeved about the way Jesus had been portrayed in this country (he apparently hates women, the gay community, the poor, our President, and probably immigrants, too). But all of that irritation has brought me to my whits end this last year. I have come to the conclusion that a wrong sense of justice is probably to blame for all of this hatred coming from the "followers" of Christ (not from Christ himself, as He did go through quite a lot to make sure that as many as would come could be included in His incredible, vast, unfaltering love and grace). You see, as Americans, and as capitalists, justice means each one getting what he deserves. When we bring a man to justice in our legal system, we are ensuring that he receives an equal punishment for his crime. Justice is fairness, and it says that I am owed exactly what I have put out. I worked hard, I should receive the fruits of my labor. I did something wrong, I must pay the consequences. This idea of justice is so strong that we are actually seeing people who call themselves Christians crying out for justice proclaiming, "NO! I WILL NOT LET MY JUST REWARDS GO TO THOSE WHO DO NOT DESERVE IT! I am certainly not going to let some lazy so and so have something he did not work for like I did." This kind of sentiment is to be expected from those who have never experienced the grace of the King, but from those who have "tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God," it is shocking; it is despicable. I hate to be the bearer of good news here, but our entire belief system is centered on the amazing fact that we are not going to get what we deserve. If you sit for a while and really consider it, you find out that if justice is each one getting what he deserves, then our God is not just at all. He found a loophole in His own system, let one man pay all our debt, and called it good. Dude, what the heck, you guys? That is not fair! After all Jesus went through, and to add insult to injury, you can't even pay the guy back. There's nothing you could possibly do that would cover all that he's done for you. Some people would then say, "I paid the debt for you, so just get that back to me whenever you can." But Jesus, knowing we can't ever pay is just like, "Forget it don't even worry about it. Let's just hang out and I can show you how to make the most out of your new debt-free life." And this kind of thinking isn't a new thing for God. Remember back in Israel when he made that rule about the Year of Jubilee when all debts would be forgiven, land would be given back, slaves set free, etc. This wasn't just figurative speech, God was telling his people to relinquish things they had worked hard for every seven years so everyone could start fresh and new. Talk about totally unfair. If I was a landowner back then, I think I might have forgotten to follow that law. Well guess what? So did the Israelites. They never did follow through with that one. Why not? Because it sucks! It's totally unfair. I work really hard for seven years then I have to give up a bunch of stuff? Forget it.

Okay, what I'm getting at here is that clearly, our capitalist american minds have developed a completely wrong idea of what Justice is to God. When I was at ministry school, our Pastor said something that I hopefully will never forget. He (Pastor Bill Johnson) said "The justice of God is reconciliation." When you look over scripture you realize that this really hits the nail on the head. So we fell in the Garden, and everything changed. Ever since the goal has been fixing that rift. He wants to get back together and in terms of his dealings with humanity that has clearly been at the forefront of his thoughts and motivation. I guess that explains why I can't find a single place int he Bible when God is talking about how important it is for me to get ahead in the world and have lots of stuff and be self sufficient at the expense of the poor and down-trodden. The only thing I really find on the subject is when the prophets are letting Israel know why they're about to go through some really bad stuff--because they worshipped idols and they didn't take care of their poor. Wow. If God is judging this country is it because of all the unbelievers doing what unbelievers do? Or is it because of all the believers doing what unbelievers do. I would even venture to suppose that maybe God isn't judging us at all, we are just experiencing the only conclusion that can come when each man considers himself God, his own needs the foremost among men, and his own gain the ultimate and most sacred goal.

I will say that I do agree that government shouldn't be in charge of taking care of the poor. Why should the world have that responsibility? They don't know grace, they aren't in a position to give. It is absolutely the responsibility of the followers of God to take care of people--to love them, provide for them, sacrifice for them. After all, that's the example our Dad set for us. If you really want to be set apart from the world, and start living in the Kingdom, I challenge you, and myself, to set aside the capitalism that you've been indoctrinated with, and start giving sacrificially--giving of your time, your money, your heart, your life, to the heart of God. "Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect."

Can we please stop putting all of our effort into protesting against what people who don't know God choose to do with their lives? Children in THIS country are going without food and medical care. I would like to protest that fact. I'm gonna stand outside a bunch of churches with signs that say "God hates suffering. Do something about it." Are you aware that when God gave Adam the responsibility to look after the earth in Genesis, that he didn't lose that responsibility after the fall? We're made to be caretakers, people. We can't do that job without the one who owns the property. That's why we have to pray. Give me the tools, show me what to do, help me see true, heavenly justice in this world, Father.

American Apparel here we come!

What a beautiful Saturday in the greater Seattle area! I think we might actually leave the house today after I give Johnny a haircut suitable for his Sunday photo shoot. Maybe I'll start the outside activities a little early by cutting his hair on the back porch. Two birds with one stone--that's how I roll.

That's right, Johnny is going to be in a little photo shoot tomorrow. If you've seen my husband before you know that he is ruggedly handsome. Fortunately for me he is not so aware of this fact that he has yet realized that is he too hot for me--but he is just aware enough to have developed a small interest in fashion, and more specifically, modeling. He did a little stint when he was about 8 or so with a small talent agency in Seattle. His mother has some wonderful videos from that time. I always love seeing that stuff. Anyhow, he has set his sights on American Apparel for two reasons: 1, he loves their clothes, and 2, he looks amazing in them. He had been throwing around the idea of moving down to L.A. to pursue this dream for about a year or so, with no real movement in that direction. Then, a few weeks ago he came upon an ad on their website. It turns out that you don't need an agent or an interview or anything to become a model for AA, you just need a picture-which you can submit via the website. Just about that time we started doing fundraising at school for Paul Mitchell Schools' annual "Fun-raising" campaign. Our lovely receptionist has a degree in photography which will be taking her out of the school in less than a week now. But before she goes she's put together a little fundraiser of her own. For only $25 that is going to charity, Johnny is going to be professionally photographed in all his fluorescent, spandexed, American Apparel glory. The pictures are supposed to be for students to show off their talent and add to their portfolios so I guess I'm gonna try my best to make his hair look as fierce as the rest of him. Wish me luck!

3.19.10

I have been trying to write a new song for approximately three years now. Every time I sit down with my guitar I find that everything I write falls desperately short of what I am dying to say. I can't get it across musically these days--which is so upsetting because music is supposed to be an outlet for frustration or emotion or whatever else. It always has been for me. And yet, I flounder. I am sad and embarrassed. But here I am. Maybe I can accomplish an outpouring by removing silly conditions like rhyme and flow, hook, chorus, etc.

I am tired of religion. It is so much more than boring, it is exhausting. It was a giant waste of my time and I want to crumple it up in a ball and toss it across the room into a waiting trash bin. It was an endeavor that I didn't know I had embarked upon. Years later, after well meaning summer camps and youth group events, I am waist-deep in it and the harder I try to get out of it, the more difficult it becomes. As cliche as that sounds, I was once entrenched waste deep in rancid jungle mud in central America, so I can speak from experience. It's frightening, and it smells awful. Fortunately, in that life-threatening situation my Youth Pastor pulled me and my shoes out of the muck. He also did his very best in those years to keep all of us clear of religious putrescence, and I think he did a pretty ok job. The problem at the time is that I wasn't being given the full picture. I was doing my best with the resources I was being given, but I need the shade of the jungle as well as the sunshine on the beach. Are you following me? My church was willing to accept the existence of God, and the greatness of God, as long as He didn't make a mess. Before I continue I want to say that I loved my church and I still do, but I am literally pained when I consider how GREAT God is, and how small we have allowed Him to become in our lives. How do we shrink such a huge force? Religion. I don't mean religion like what I choose to believe, but religion in the sense of the self-imposed set of A-Z that we must accomplish in order to call ourselves Christians. We don't do this and we do, do that. It is ludicrous. One of my favorite songs expresses this frustration best :

"When all that we eat brings us little relief, we don't know quite what else to do. We have all our beliefs, but we don't want our beliefs God of Peace, we want You." -Four Word Letter by mewithoutYou

We've sort of slowly begun to arrive at this point as a church, with those that don't really want Him as much as they want their beliefs rising up in dismay at what they're seeing. I can say, truly that everything is happening at what seems like a snails pace to me. I just want to get there. I just want to see us arrive at the point when we can triumphantly take our place in the body of Christ, letting hands be hands and feet be feet and...

let me get back to my own situation, that whole business is way to big to try to sort out right now.

I just grew up with a lot dos and don'ts in reference to Jesus. What I really want is relationship. Which is good, because I'm pretty sure that's what he wants also. That whole walking with Adam and Eve in the Garden thing, and then orchestrating the great reunion after the fall through His Son. It's always been about relationship. That's why the best men and women in the Bible aren't the ones that it says followed the law the best, but the one who were friends with God even when the Holy Spirit wasn't accessible to everyone. That is a key point for me actually. Cause, before He went to the cross, according to the book of John, Jesus talked with His disciples a lot about the Holy Spirit who would be coming after he was gone. Sure enough He showed up in the upper room after Jesus had ascended and his disciples were praying and fasting and waiting--no ministry happened between that time, they just waited. Since then we've been able to talk to God without a temple and a curtain, and a priest. God became so much closer. But consider those like David who knew God before the curtain was torn. And consider that God, Almighty was inclined to turn His ear to His servant who sought after that closeness. That's what He wants from me! That is what He is looking for. Closeness. So much of my life in church has been works. What can I do. I don't blame the church. I think it's just how we are as human beings. We need structure and and instruction. That's why it's so hard for me to break out of this stuff in the first place. I need to see that I'm getting somewhere better, becoming something better. But here's the thing. In my life, I think the only place where I don't give myself rules and goals to meet and structure is in my relationships. In my marriage, in my friendships and in my family I don't have a quota. I don't have to become someone great or achieve anything, and yet, I am so incredibly fulfilled with the people that I love. It is rest. It is freedom. That is what I want in my relationship to my God. I want the love that I have in a divine capacity. I am a spiritual being, and my life on earth is a dark reflection of my life with Christ. Jesus said he came that we may have life and have it to the full and I've got to have it. I am burning for it. There is more and it's not gonna be found in any trite push for excellence on my part. It's gonna come from resignation. I give up. I just want God.